Confessions of a Working Mom - Jochebed Isaacs

Jochebed is married to Shaun Isaacs, a Pastor at Kingdomcity in Kuala Lumpur, and a full-time mum to two beautiful children, Eden (4 years 8 months) and Isaiah (7 months). She also serves as the Director at Early Autism Project Malaysia (EAP), where she carries the roles of Clinical Psychologist and Senior Supervisor. We sat down to chat with Jochebed about her experiences as a full-time working mum and what she has learned in the process.

When you Google the words “working mum”, the following predictive text that comes up is “guilt”. It’s definitely a challenge that is relevant to all working mums in the area of juggling family and work. It’s an ongoing emotional process for most mums who are choosing between whether to work or not to work. I’ve been there - feeling absolutely exhausted but yet not being able to meet the expectations of being a mum and being a full-time worker.

It’s my upbringing that has formed who I am, like the fact that my parents moulded us to look out for disadvantaged people. From when I was four years old, we visited orphanages and homes for people with special needs. My parents helped me with my first ‘fundraiser’ (selling rock buns) at seven years old to help those affected by the famine in Ethiopia. After living in England as a family for 10 months, my father insisted that we stay in India for a month so we would not complain about the lifestyle in Malaysia. We have been exposed at an early age to underprivileged environments and because of these experiences, you just can’t have a sense of entitlement. You can’t help but feel very blessed, and you never ignore the fact that people don’t have what you have. It’s just the way that I’ve grown up and therefore have a sense of calling and purpose to do what I do today at Early Autism Project Malaysia.

How do you approach the tension that comes with the choice you made of being a full-time working mum in this season?

Well there are certainly seasons. For some women, this season is fully motherhood. There’s nothing wrong with that and no one should judge or disapprove of that. It’s about being content in each season. Often times, the grass may appear greener on the other side; the stay-at-home mom may feel it’s better to be a working mom and vice versa. 

We all have our individual race to run, and it’s completely different to one another. For each of us, it depends on our calling, our skill sets and the opportunities that open up for us. One of Pastor Jemima’s words of advice at a women’s meeting was to think about what price we (as women) are willing to pay in this season. Would we rather pay (literally) for domestic support or would we rather pay (temporary loss of income or career) to be a stay-at-home mom. It is a sacrifice either way.

For Shaun and I, we decided that when we go to work, we will have daycare support for my 4-year-old but after work, even if it meant we were dead-tired, we would manage the night routines and put her to bed. Those moments have been very helpful to build that bond but it means saying no to many things and not being able to do as much as you would like to. Now with having two children, we have decided to cut down other expenses and to have domestic support. 

What advice would you give to full-time working mums who struggle to manage the time between the two roles?

Essentially the key thing is to remember the reason why we do what we do - why are we working in this season? Each working mum will have a different reason for working. For some of us, it is to help provide for our children while for others, it is a calling or a leadership role that needs us to rise up and bring change. I think of YB Hannah Yeoh, (Deputy Minister of Women, Family and Community Development of Malaysia) and I am so grateful that she has chosen to go to work because the betterment of our country depends on it! Whatever the reason is, identifying it clearly helps set the vision and purpose and guide us in the low moments of life. 

Secondly, is to have a ‘Growth’ perspective. We have to remember that in the seasons of stretching, our capacity is growing. At EAP (Early Autism Project), we have a leadership illustration that we refer to frequently. Pastor Mervin (a pastor from Kingdomcity) actually taught us the concept of our capacity as ‘A Bridge’. A bridge is designed to carry weight but the strength of the bridge determines how much weight that bridge can carry. Some of us may be content to be ‘pedestrian bridges’ while some have the capacity to be a ‘double-carriage highway’. The truth is that we will not be able to know the strength of a bridge nor the cracks in the bridge until we start to carry weight. We can then proactively work on strengthening the bridge of our lives as well as dealing with the ‘cracks’ i.e. our brokenness so that we can become the incredible woman of capacity and strength that God has designed us to be. 

And of course on a practical note, there is no other option but to continually strategise the most efficient ways to live. Self-organisation, home-organisation, time management and proactive systematic solutions that can be as automated and delegated as possible is a must for every working mom. We definitely don't have it all together (not sure if we ever will), but Shaun and I seek out strategies that worked for other couples who have been through similar seasons as us, whether through books, sermons or other resources. 

As working mums, we have to try to remember to accept the reality of this season - that it is stretching and exhausting, that we will become multitasking masters and spontaneity is an ancient myth for the next few years. If we can adjust our expectations, we can learn to embrace this season and actually enjoy it and as with all seasons, this one too will pass and we will be grateful for the strength of internal muscle we developed. 

What does the sacrifice look like in your life and how have you managed it with your 4-year-old?

The challenge with work is that there are some days or weeks which can be particularly stressful and consuming. I remember one night when Eden, who was three years old at that time, asked me why I come home so late. I didn’t know how to tell her that I had twelve meetings, was exhausted to the bone and rushed back home just to see her before she went to bed. So instead, I said that I would pick her up early the next day and that we would have fun activities. She looked at me so innocently and whispered, “Will you have time for that?”. My eyes filled with tears as I just nodded and started to put her to bed. As she lay down on her pillow, she whispered to me again, “What time do you have to go, what time is your next meeting?”. My heart broke as she fell asleep. I just sat there and cried...

The question that immediately comes to mind is whether this is worth it. My sacrifice and the price I have to pay is that Eden and Isaiah do not get to see their mum as much as if I were a stay-at-home mum. But again, it comes back to why I do what I do and hopefully one day both our children will understand that because their mum went to work, many lives were impacted. 

At the same time though, we don’t want to sacrifice our children for the sake of changing the world and so we try to schedule time that belongs to them and pray that those are quality moments that are full of life, joy and fills their cup. When Eden was born, Pastor Mervin told me that; whether I am a stay at home mum or a working mum, I can be a great mum. 

I then
realised that
being a great
mum is not
defined by my
physical
presence or
quantity of
time but more
so the quality
of time.

Whether it’s just one hour a day or one full day in the week, God can give you time with your children and those times will be refreshing enough to fill their tanks for the rest of the week. What Shaun and I have also tried to do is to involve Eden in everything we do as well as to explain the why behind what we do. There was a Sunday where she had a ballet performance but Shaun couldn’t be there, and initially she was sad about it. I explained to her, “Remember, daddy has to work and be a pastor and that’s going to set other people free but I’m going to be here watching you and we will record a video for him to watch.” She immediately perked up and had a wonderful time. 

As a family in ministry, we don’t want our children to grow up feeling resentment towards ministry life, church and particularly God. What we have found most important in our home is a genuine connection and engagement relationally as a family and we try our best to live one life and not to compartmentalise a ‘public’ ministry life and then a ‘private’ life. This is easier said than done.

Thankfully there is great power in a genuine apology and being truthful. We have made many mistakes... especially when I’ve been exhausted and snapped at Eden or she has seen us arguing and raising our voices at each other. I know when I have hurt her or scared her with my reaction and I have to take responsibility for my behaviour. I will always apologise to her for being grumpy and sometimes explain to her that I was stressed about something else and ask for her forgiveness. A significant moment for me was when I was feeling really bad for snapping at her and she just looked at me and said, “You know some mums are grumpy all the time, but you, you’re just grumpy sometimes.” I then asked her, “How about the rest of the time?” She replied, “You’re fun actually, you’re a very fun mum”. I can’t believe she’s so affirming!

What do you do when you feel the guilt or tensions of being a working mum? What have you learned in the process to continuously overcome these thoughts and feelings?

Cry. That’s definitely part of it. And being real - being real with God, being real in marriage and with myself and the limits I have. In 2018, I started a personal grateful diary as I generally struggle with negative thinking. I try to write in it as regularly as I can to thank God for every single blessing and breakthrough in both my professional and personal life. I have found this exercise really help me with my thought life and to gain a truthful perspective on how good God is to us. 

I also think that sitting before God and worshipping Him and hearing His affirming voice helps. I am not very good at resting or ‘slowing down’ and so I have to try to schedule in ‘God time’ regularly. There is nothing more life-changing than His gentle whisper. The word that God has given me repeatedly in this season is to “do everything unto me” so whether that’s taking Eden to ballet or doing the most mundane things, I do it “unto God”. I often look back at my journal records of prophecies, truth and different words from God. I also hold onto this scripture verses;

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)

This may sound like such a simple verse but it is so full of truth, that He will work it out for our good. Throughout the Bible, God says that, ‘He will take care of our children’, ‘He is no man’s debtor’, ‘We build His house and He will build our house’. 

2019 marks exactly 20 years since I graduated from high school and it also marks 20 years that I have worked. From the moment I left high school, I worked throughout my college and university days, doing 2-4 different jobs at times in order to pay for my living expenses and student loans. 13 years ago, God opened the door to EAP and I started to walk into my calling of influence in the area of Education.

I have worked way longer than I have been a mother and upon becoming a mum, all priorities instinctively change and emotions tend to be not just in waves but like a rollercoaster contributed by the sheer sleep deprivation. Each time I feel like giving up, I am reminded of Romans 8:19.

“For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed.” Romans 8:19 (NIV)

We feel like this is the calling on our lives as a family, this is who we are. We are called to reflect God’s heart, goodness and loving nature in this world. This is the reason why we do what we do regardless of how exhausting it can be. And then looking at Pastor Mark & Pastor Jemima’s lives - they are just on another level of capacity and sacrifice, and we want to capture that from them and do our part in impacting the world.

Interviewed by Beautiful Journal Team

Jochebed is married to Shaun Isaacs and she is a mum to two beautiful children. They are on team Kingdomcity in Kuala Lumpur. Jochebed also serves as the Director at Early Autism Project Malaysia (EAP), where she carries the roles of Clinical Psychologist and Senior Supervisor.